Jesus in The Boat with Me

We have been dealing with a lot of setbacks lately. And in that, we have also learned much. 
 When we first got here we were really under the impression that business would be awesome. Brandon did line up a few jobs right off the bat that were pretty great. Then things so down. At some point though they just stopped. He was still giving out estimates but no work was coming in and no one was signing up for some reason. I am proud of my husband because he really got creative about lots of different ways to bring in business and advertise. Something that was really difficult was the waiting game and the anxiety of that.  Every week I felt terrible about spending any money on groceries that we need it. The stress just mounted as the work did not come in but the bills of course were always right on time. And with 4 children opening their mouths and running around like little puppies, the stress of being in a biggish family while waiting for money to come in sometimes felt like more than I could bear. 

Now finally, my husband has a few jobs lined up but during that time of months without work it felt like I was living in a dark tunnel yet I had a constant low grade panic under my skin.  Every afternoon as I rocked the baby to sleep while nursing her I would pray to God for money to come in and work for my husband but week after week nothing was happening and I started to feel like why does God not hear me? Pretty soon the tears were at the ready constantly, and everyday I was crying at some point over something like spilled milk. It was like living in a pressure cooker.
And it's crazy how much judgment comes from others when you aren't doing well.

During this time the few people I shared this with thought we were irresponsible, without knowing the details. Details like how Brandon dropped a huge marble countertop, the price of which had to come out of our own funds. The wait for a new slab of marble delayed the next job. Then there was a shooting in the family of the other job we had lined up and they wanted to cancel and get thier downpayment back, etc.  I felt judged, misunderstood and alone.

But I used this time to grow closer to the lord.
This was actually a huge growth spurt. On our tenth anniversary, we didnt have gifts for each other. Who could have seen that coming? When a year before we were doing very well.

This was one of the most difficult and intense life experiences I've been through; I will never forget it. What did we learn from it? On Brandon's end, he told me he learned that sometimes you can try breaking your fist against a brick wall and it will crumble for you. Other times there is nothing you can do to break it down, until the heavens part. 

For myself, I learned to stay close to God, and that there is no wrong way to do that. He never leaves. You can thank him or beg him and neither is the wrong way. Forget doctrine. In the end, HE IS. For some time I wondered if we were maybe being punished. But I had to realize that in life, everyone will have trials. I am not special in this. 

But God will still go with me through the fire. Though waters storm and I am scared out of my mind, He is in the boat and He is still in control. A couple people actually reached out to us and blessed us during this time. It was really cool to see. More valuable than the actual money in fact, was just to see there are people who totally love us even if we are a thousand miles away and penniless. I was extremely humbled and touched.

One final thought... I learned about judging. We were so harshly judged. It cut deeply. Judged by people who made assumptions without all the facts. How did this make me think differently? It made me regret every time I've judged someone.  Like I really really grasped the flaw in a critical eye. Isn't that really why God told us not to judge? You truly can never know all the facts because you are not all-knowing and all seeing. Only God is.  Which is why only he is fit to judge.

 I think people judge when someone is going through a hard time because they want to make sense of it and assure themselves that it will never happen to them. If it's the fault of that person then you can control it and make sure it doesn't happen to you, right?  The truth is, no! Life is actually scarier than that. We are not as much in control of things as we think we are.  Storms came upon Job and he was a righteous man.

 So now things are better, and I am thankful that at least I learned a few things and Hey - it didn't kill me right? The gold here is in not growing bitter, but growing in understanding. Remaining in love and forgiveness, and never forgetting to be gentle with each other.

It's Okay to Lose Yourself in Little Ones

When my husband and I met online, my profile under "hobbies" went something like "painting, playing piano, running, hiking, getting coffee with my girlfriends, beading, visiting art museums", etc. I loved doing all of that. Those are things I did in my time off, often on the living room floor when I wasn't raking in $10 an hour at my humble job.

Nine years later I stay home with my 4 kids under 7. So you can imagine my day (and night). My role is the nurturing caretaker who is forever multi-tasking and meeting needs.

Constantly pulled in every direction. Its heavy lifting, its catch the juice before it falls. Its nursing the baby while giving orders. Sometimes theres no time to think. Any alone time is used to clean my body. Or to catch up on sleep.

I recently realized something- I love it.

Up until not too long ago, I'd periodically complain to my husband that I felt like I'd disappeared into the children.  I used to go to concerts and go dancing, I used to play the piano for 2 hours at a time uninterrupted"  I've actually shouted that in frustration. Probably because I have a lifestyle of being totally overwhelmed.

My kids are so intense... the sensory overload from the day just leaves me too exhausted at the day's end to partake in any hobbies after they're in bed.

But amidst the feelings of frustration and being Over whelmed, there are also many moments of joy that I have gotten throughout the years in mothering each child. I feel joy every time I nurse a baby to sleep.
Teaching a child how to forgive. It's priceless to see the joy and wonder in my children around Christmas time. I could go on about the things I love about being a mother.

 I had to read an old journal entry from 2 years ago to realize that I am in the right place at the right time doing what I was born to do and I love it. But the world makes us feel like we have lost ourselves if we don't do the things we used to do when we were 24.

24 was great, and I'll never be 24 again. Onward! I've never been 34 so that's something, right? That is something new I get to do and who knows what's in store for me then.

Know your role, and know the season. For a time it's OK to completely pour yourself out and serve your children and it's OK to feel happy doing it. And not in the way of a sad martyr but happily. Just because it's hard doesnt mean its tragic, or too much. If you're staying at home right now with your littles, this season is extremely intense and demanding. Those feelings are valid, but not necessarily a bad thing, for a time.

My kids sure aren't my peace, but they are my joy.
In this season, that is. Though there may come a day where I find much peace in being with them, as well as the joy they bring. One day they'll be adults and our relationship will be different - my whole day and exhaustion level will be different.

To whoever is reading this, know that you did not lose yourself just because you aren't spending 3 hours painting on the weekends like you used to. You didn't lose yourself because you are constantly changing. Think about how we are mostly made up of water, which changes constantly. Stagnant water is gross and it makes people sick.

Ask yourself, do you really want to hold on to old things? God has new things in store for us. God has new beginnings for us and fresh starts. Remember not to look back because you are not going in that direction anyways.

I'll never get these moments back with them. When I have the time and energy to paint unhindered once more, it will be because we are beyond the years of sticky little hands all up in my business. For now though the season is kids.

Florida. From a Minnesotan Perspective

Northeastern Florida is completely different than the far North homeland I hail from - Minnesota. For starters none of the women here have bangs, which seems like nothing... but there is a perfect explanation for that. Hot and humid. So humid. Because it's July, I actually pretty much don't go outside right now, unless the Sun is setting and then it's just tropical and gorgeous here. When I do go out just to get in my car it is an instant sweat.

But there's good and bad about anywhere you live. I love the little things about Florida. Aldi's has fresh shrimp from Key West. There are signs by the road for crab and shrimp And storm damage repair. You would see nothing of the sort in Minnesota. I love how different places in America can be culturally! It just fascinates me.

Looking out the window as you drive, you'll see a few very common things. Even grocery stores are different. I never had heard of Publix or Winn-Dixy until we moved here. And down here there is no such thing as Cub Foods, or Rainbow Foods, or tragically - Caribou Coffee. Two places are universal familiarities.  Thank God they have Target and Star-bucks in every state, and probly on every planet.

Dollar stores and churches abound. And every gas station has these things called boiled peanuts, which until now I had never heard of. Basically, no matter where you are down here, you can always count on seeing a church and some boiled peanuts.  Shop windows are all wet with beads of condensation from the heat. Vines and pretty gray Spanish moss drape over trees and buildings.

Church, and These signs.... are everywhere.

The yards are intense. Minnesota has people who are all about their yards, but Floridians take lawn obsession to a whooooole new level. Probably because it's always summer out.  The grass here is all crabgrass and not fun to walk on, but it sure is pretty! Most lawns have extremely crisp lines and the hedges have been psychotically manicured.

It's not just the grass though... Until we moved here I had no idea people paint their driveways, or that screened garage doors existed that you can see out of like a one-way mirror. Many folks from further North have retired here, so there is a lot of time for yard-upkeep.

There's a saying I keep hearing: "no one's from here".  And it's true you have people from all over. However, I LOVE the southern older ladies... Most of them have a slow, maternal drawl and theres a warm soft calm in their voices. I just want one of them to adopt me and serve me some iced tea on their front porch swing! I've actually met quite a few southern church ladies because we've been hopping from one VBS to another for the past month and a half. The kids are a lot for just Brandon and I, and this is how I am surviving summer break. Thank you bible belt!!

We still haven't seen an alligator yet, but I'll let you know when we do!

I Am Not My Kid's Friend

I always thought I'd be the fun, laid back mom. I mean, I was a nanny in my youth and also a camp counselor - and the kids adored me. Not much bothered me.  I was always down for fun! I knew how to connect with kids, make them laugh and keep their interest.  Back then I had energy for days!

When I was a personal care assistant in my early 20's I used to watch this autistic boy who would often run away out of his house in frustration with his family. He would literally run away, just take off running down the street. But I was in track and field and enjoyed a good distance run.... I'd show up running along-side him. "No big deal!" I'd huff cheerily. "We can run. My shift doesn't end for hours. I actually need to get my run in for the day!" His parents loved me because the others before me had quit right away.

I remember thinking to myself, "I should have boys one day...I'd probly be great at keeping up with their energy." Let's laugh about that for a moment.

And as a camp counselor, I would sneak my group of 8 girls into the mess hall late at night for some hot chocolate. I'd duck and roll from tree to tree for dramatic effect on our sneaky way there. Or, I'd have all of them blindfolded and stand in a circle while brushing our teeth - and it was then we would each have a turn to tell our most embarrassing secret ever, mid-bush of course!

All this to say that kids I used to watch - they loved me. And so I merrily assumed I would be this same fun person as a mom.

Guess who I'm not? the fun mom. I did not end up being that cool, laid back super fun to be with mom. Instead, I'm more like a drill sergeant in a zoo. That's the reality.

Now? A word on the energy thing I used to know and love....

Now as soon as the day hits about 7pm I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and my patience is GONE. I'm stressed out. I'm tired.

The thing about kids is when you're the one raising them, you gotta lay down the law - especially with boys! Maybe two or three times a week I get told by them that I'm such a mean mom. Mean for making them read a book, empty the dishwasher, or taking away a desert privilege, or whatever boundary that was last inflicted upon them.

The thing is, I'm out to make sure they don't turn out to be jerks, and that doesn't work if I'm their cool fun friend. I wish it did! But it doesn't.

When I was a camp counselor or a nanny, I never really thought "how can I make sure he turns out to be a good father." or "I'm bound and determined to make sure this girl is able to read at college level when she's in high school." In fact I probly didn't care too much about any of their futures.

Now I have kids I truly care about. And it shows. They get hen-pecked - by me. They get discipline and rules. So I'm just gonna own it - I'm not the fun mom.

They do get lots of love. kisses, encouragement and bedtime stories abound here. Hopefully, by being not-friends with my kids now, we can be the best of friends later, in twenty years. :)

"As you walk along the road, as you lie down..."

I was taking my 7 year old son to the chiropractor today. As we were driving we hit some stop and go traffic randomly. But then I realized why there was traffic in the first place...

A police officer was walking a shirtless man in handcuffs from a vehicle all the way across the median and six lanes. I watched the man's sweaty face... Long streams of cars stretched out on either end all around us. There was a look on his face of shame, like he knew everyone was watching him and this was utter humiliation. I thought about how he to used to be a little boy once.  My heart filled with compassion. I actually felt very embarrassed for him and my heart just went out to this guy whoever he was.

In the passenger's seat, my son was just aghast with excitement and awe. "Mom! Those are handcuffs? A real bad guy! It's my first time seeing a real bad guy? Is he going to jail? Oh my gosh!"  The scandal of it all was utterly fascinating for him.

There is a verse I try to keep close to my heart when it comes to raising children. Deuteronomy 11:18-19 talks about the commands of the Lord: "Fix these words of mine into your mind and being, and tie them as a reminder on your hands and let them be symbols on your forehead. Teach them to your children and Speak of them as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, and as you get up."

 This was a good opportunity to talk about life to my son sitting next to me, as he sat totally scandalized by the idea of bad guys, jail, and handcuffs. In the New Testament, His commands are about how to love one another, just as He loves us. God commands grace and mercy.

It's so important that we teach our little ones about God's ways in the dull, everyday, mundane moments of life. While sitting in traffic, emptying the dishwasher together, waiting at the doctor's office, or (shudder) the DMV. I remember my dad doing that with my sibs and I.

"What are you learning about in your Bible camp?" I asked him.  Like Any smart mom I have my boys signed up for VBS every week all summer. "We are learning that Jesus saves" he replied.

 "And what does Jesus do when you do wrong?" I ask him.  He replied Jesus forgives. "That's right good job!" I told him. I said it doesn't matter how old you are or how many times you do wrong or what you did. Jesus will always forgive you no matter what, if you come to Him. We talked about how, even though sometimes other people may be mad at us, or giving us consequences, we can always run to Jesus and he will not judge us - only give us love.

That is not to say that I don't understand there are consequences to our actions. I am a daughter of a cop. I grew up with an understanding of what law and order is, and why it is necessary to society.  This police officer I am sure was doing right by his job and I am very grateful to have the men in blue around to protect and to serve us at a moments notice.

But on an emotional and spiritual level, I also understand shame. I have a brother with a long list of criminal offenses. I've had an interesting life perspective in that I've seen firsthand both ends of a continuum In society. Heck, I understand shame just because of the fact that I am human! And I Realize that my children will all have their own personal run ins with feeling the shame of doing wrong, because that is a part of life.

It's in those crucial moments that I hope that they will run to Jesus to lay down this burden of guilt. I hope I can raise them so they will understand that they will never be turned away, that His grace is sufficient - even when they deserve nothing. That love is there waiting. And that is my hope for this man as well.

Sweet Curry Veggies and Kale - My Power Salad

I make this salad to just keep in the fridge and take it out for an awesome dinner side. It lasts for days which is exactly the kind of salad that this busy mamma needs to have handy, right?

  I got the idea of combining these exact contents from shopping in the deli section of a near-by deli co-op. I had my baby in the cart and I was salivating at the healthy food behind the glass and I thought, "all these wondrous ready-to-eat sides would be great in my own fridge.  Like this amazing looking power salad with roasted veggies..."

 But, just not for $12 per 1/2 pound.

Not even kidding.

For veggies.

$12....


Oh the benefits of being a SAHM. I can make it all myself, and did. Seriously, make this because it tastes like a treat, and it has every texture!

Ingredients:

1/2 big bag of Kale, like the kind from Walmart. pick off all the this stalky bits.
1 C. shredded carrots
4 Green Onion stalks, chopped
1 Red Onion
1 orange Bell Pepper,
1 bag of Broccoli
2 TBSP Goji Berries
1 TBSP chopped Walnuts
1 TBSP Sunflower Seeds
Aldi brand Pumpkin Curry Dressing.
1 tsp. Tumeric
1 tsp. (or small packet of) Stevia.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 430 degrees and line a baking tray with parchment paper.
2. In a big bowl, mix together the shredded carrots, green onions, berries, nuts, and seeds. Set aside.
3. Chop half of the bell pepper into big one-inch peices and put those on the baking tray for roasting. Dice up the rest of the pepper and put that into the salad bowl.
4. slice about 4 very thin long pieces off the red onion and add them to the salad bowl. Chop the rest of the onion into big one-inch sized pieces and put those onto the baking tray for roasting.
5. Add Broccoli to the baking tray, drizzle with olive oil, add salt, and put into the top rack of the oven for 30 minutes.
6. add the kale, dressing, turmeric, and stevia to the big bowl and toss well.



I promise you'll like my food if this man likes it. He is SO hard to please food-wise. But he did enjoy this salad.

That's Jacksonville behind him. Or Jax as they say. Can we say Jax yet? Are we local and transplanted enough for first name basis?

We're probly not. But soon.

Our Very New Life In Florida

At the airport before my flight down with two of the kids. 

We have been here now for two and a half months. It has been so nice down here! My favorite thing about this place is our weekly visits to ocean! Oh my goodness I could just be in those waves all day long! We like to go on Fridays to Saint Augustine and spend the whole day there.

Our first week here was so helter-skelter. We moved into a charming gated community. I arrived from the plane the day before Easter, so we just didn't celebrate it much because we were unloading the U-haul. Below is a picture of us, the day AFTER Easter. I had cute outfits so I couldn't resist dressing them all up.

I unpacked while nursing, and keeping an eye on my older 3, who were socializing with 3 little neighbor girls that we shared the back fence with. My boys love that there are sidewalks, and we are in a cul-de-sac! They're used to living on a dirt road that they cant ride bikes on because semi-trucks speed past doing 80. This was heaven for my boys - pavement and safe slow drivers!

After a week here it was Hadassah's third birthday. My baby!

 I baked her a cake and thought it would be a good chance to meet some neighbors. I think I will never forget calling out to a neighbor before they pulled out of their driveway, messy spatula in hand, and extending an invite to her party the next day. Then I went out back and called over to the neighbor lady who was sitting in the shade of her patio. That's when I met Gwen. still holding my spatula, with baby on my hip. "Oh, you've got another wee one?" She asked.

Right away I was entranced by her strong Irish accent. She was an adorable little brunette, a few years younger than me, who has only been here one year. She met a navy guy in a pub back in Ireland and they were married in a week, so she could sail back with him to be a step-mother to his 3 little girls.

We spent many evenings on either of our patios with kids running around - she with her "wee pint o' Guinness". Gwen is so laid back, cheerful and funny! We took to each other like long-lost sisters and spent nearly every day together! But sadly she moved only a month after I got here. I haven't made a friend like that since and it's been a tad bit lonely. But that's okay because life here is still so much less stressful!

We go for daily walks as a family. The boys haven't really been on electronics because they are so busy with biking or their scooters, and the little friends they've made around the block. I feel so much better because of all the vitamin D I'm getting. Also while it is humid here, you don't get the clouds of mosquitoes and gnats like back in MN. It's amazing! Mosquitoes are pretty much the Minnesota state bird. We can be drenched in sweaty humid air here and yet not one mosquito!

Other differences from Minnesota. There's a lot of sand in grassy areas because we're close to the ocean, But there isn't much real grass here. It's all crab grass. Northeastern Florida is odd because there are these beautiful palms and other tropical trees and vines... and then you'll also have huge green forests of tall evergreens - much like Up North in MN. There's actually so much about my home state that I also really miss. It's just been so cool being down here though!

I have not seen one snake or alligator, but I hear they're everywhere. Oh, and there is a church on every corner. And all the gas stations have "boiled peanuts". All of them.

Allright that's it for today! See you in two months! Jk... I'm going to try to post once a week! Next up - what inevitably happened with the schools here and my son's ADHD issues....