It's Okay to Lose Yourself in Little Ones

When my husband and I met online, my profile under "hobbies" went something like "painting, playing piano, running, hiking, getting coffee with my girlfriends, beading, visiting art museums", etc. I loved doing all of that. Those are things I did in my time off, often on the living room floor when I wasn't raking in $10 an hour at my humble job.

Nine years later I stay home with my 4 kids under 7. So you can imagine my day (and night). My role is the nurturing caretaker who is forever multi-tasking and meeting needs.

Constantly pulled in every direction. Its heavy lifting, its catch the juice before it falls. Its nursing the baby while giving orders. Sometimes theres no time to think. Any alone time is used to clean my body. Or to catch up on sleep.

I recently realized something- I love it.

Up until not too long ago, I'd periodically complain to my husband that I felt like I'd disappeared into the children.  I used to go to concerts and go dancing, I used to play the piano for 2 hours at a time uninterrupted"  I've actually shouted that in frustration. Probably because I have a lifestyle of being totally overwhelmed.

My kids are so intense... the sensory overload from the day just leaves me too exhausted at the day's end to partake in any hobbies after they're in bed.

But amidst the feelings of frustration and being Over whelmed, there are also many moments of joy that I have gotten throughout the years in mothering each child. I feel joy every time I nurse a baby to sleep.
Teaching a child how to forgive. It's priceless to see the joy and wonder in my children around Christmas time. I could go on about the things I love about being a mother.

 I had to read an old journal entry from 2 years ago to realize that I am in the right place at the right time doing what I was born to do and I love it. But the world makes us feel like we have lost ourselves if we don't do the things we used to do when we were 24.

24 was great, and I'll never be 24 again. Onward! I've never been 34 so that's something, right? That is something new I get to do and who knows what's in store for me then.

Know your role, and know the season. For a time it's OK to completely pour yourself out and serve your children and it's OK to feel happy doing it. And not in the way of a sad martyr but happily. Just because it's hard doesnt mean its tragic, or too much. If you're staying at home right now with your littles, this season is extremely intense and demanding. Those feelings are valid, but not necessarily a bad thing, for a time.

My kids sure aren't my peace, but they are my joy.
In this season, that is. Though there may come a day where I find much peace in being with them, as well as the joy they bring. One day they'll be adults and our relationship will be different - my whole day and exhaustion level will be different.

To whoever is reading this, know that you did not lose yourself just because you aren't spending 3 hours painting on the weekends like you used to. You didn't lose yourself because you are constantly changing. Think about how we are mostly made up of water, which changes constantly. Stagnant water is gross and it makes people sick.

Ask yourself, do you really want to hold on to old things? God has new things in store for us. God has new beginnings for us and fresh starts. Remember not to look back because you are not going in that direction anyways.

I'll never get these moments back with them. When I have the time and energy to paint unhindered once more, it will be because we are beyond the years of sticky little hands all up in my business. For now though the season is kids.

Florida. From a Minnesotan Perspective

Northeastern Florida is completely different than the far North homeland I hail from - Minnesota. For starters none of the women here have bangs, which seems like nothing... but there is a perfect explanation for that. Hot and humid. So humid. Because it's July, I actually pretty much don't go outside right now, unless the Sun is setting and then it's just tropical and gorgeous here. When I do go out just to get in my car it is an instant sweat.

But there's good and bad about anywhere you live. I love the little things about Florida. Aldi's has fresh shrimp from Key West. There are signs by the road for crab and shrimp And storm damage repair. You would see nothing of the sort in Minnesota. I love how different places in America can be culturally! It just fascinates me.

Looking out the window as you drive, you'll see a few very common things. Even grocery stores are different. I never had heard of Publix or Winn-Dixy until we moved here. And down here there is no such thing as Cub Foods, or Rainbow Foods, or tragically - Caribou Coffee. Two places are universal familiarities.  Thank God they have Target and Star-bucks in every state, and probly on every planet.

Dollar stores and churches abound. And every gas station has these things called boiled peanuts, which until now I had never heard of. Basically, no matter where you are down here, you can always count on seeing a church and some boiled peanuts.  Shop windows are all wet with beads of condensation from the heat. Vines and pretty gray Spanish moss drape over trees and buildings.

Church, and These signs.... are everywhere.

The yards are intense. Minnesota has people who are all about their yards, but Floridians take lawn obsession to a whooooole new level. Probably because it's always summer out.  The grass here is all crabgrass and not fun to walk on, but it sure is pretty! Most lawns have extremely crisp lines and the hedges have been psychotically manicured.

It's not just the grass though... Until we moved here I had no idea people paint their driveways, or that screened garage doors existed that you can see out of like a one-way mirror. Many folks from further North have retired here, so there is a lot of time for yard-upkeep.

There's a saying I keep hearing: "no one's from here".  And it's true you have people from all over. However, I LOVE the southern older ladies... Most of them have a slow, maternal drawl and theres a warm soft calm in their voices. I just want one of them to adopt me and serve me some iced tea on their front porch swing! I've actually met quite a few southern church ladies because we've been hopping from one VBS to another for the past month and a half. The kids are a lot for just Brandon and I, and this is how I am surviving summer break. Thank you bible belt!!

We still haven't seen an alligator yet, but I'll let you know when we do!

I Am Not My Kid's Friend

I always thought I'd be the fun, laid back mom. I mean, I was a nanny in my youth and also a camp counselor - and the kids adored me. Not much bothered me.  I was always down for fun! I knew how to connect with kids, make them laugh and keep their interest.  Back then I had energy for days!

When I was a personal care assistant in my early 20's I used to watch this autistic boy who would often run away out of his house in frustration with his family. He would literally run away, just take off running down the street. But I was in track and field and enjoyed a good distance run.... I'd show up running along-side him. "No big deal!" I'd huff cheerily. "We can run. My shift doesn't end for hours. I actually need to get my run in for the day!" His parents loved me because the others before me had quit right away.

I remember thinking to myself, "I should have boys one day...I'd probly be great at keeping up with their energy." Let's laugh about that for a moment.

And as a camp counselor, I would sneak my group of 8 girls into the mess hall late at night for some hot chocolate. I'd duck and roll from tree to tree for dramatic effect on our sneaky way there. Or, I'd have all of them blindfolded and stand in a circle while brushing our teeth - and it was then we would each have a turn to tell our most embarrassing secret ever, mid-bush of course!

All this to say that kids I used to watch - they loved me. And so I merrily assumed I would be this same fun person as a mom.

Guess who I'm not? the fun mom. I did not end up being that cool, laid back super fun to be with mom. Instead, I'm more like a drill sergeant in a zoo. That's the reality.

Now? A word on the energy thing I used to know and love....

Now as soon as the day hits about 7pm I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and my patience is GONE. I'm stressed out. I'm tired.

The thing about kids is when you're the one raising them, you gotta lay down the law - especially with boys! Maybe two or three times a week I get told by them that I'm such a mean mom. Mean for making them read a book, empty the dishwasher, or taking away a desert privilege, or whatever boundary that was last inflicted upon them.

The thing is, I'm out to make sure they don't turn out to be jerks, and that doesn't work if I'm their cool fun friend. I wish it did! But it doesn't.

When I was a camp counselor or a nanny, I never really thought "how can I make sure he turns out to be a good father." or "I'm bound and determined to make sure this girl is able to read at college level when she's in high school." In fact I probly didn't care too much about any of their futures.

Now I have kids I truly care about. And it shows. They get hen-pecked - by me. They get discipline and rules. So I'm just gonna own it - I'm not the fun mom.

They do get lots of love. kisses, encouragement and bedtime stories abound here. Hopefully, by being not-friends with my kids now, we can be the best of friends later, in twenty years. :)