Untamed Boys, and The School System

My boy is brilliant and you can all SUCK IT! 

'K so I didn't exactly say that in the parent/teacher meeting. But I wanted to, so badly.
My boys are 5 and 6 years old. They have always been super wild. More so the oldest.  Before I go on about the meeting, let me explain:

From the day he was born he was...intense.  That kid came barreling out of me after exactly/only seven months in the womb."Buckwheat" as daddy loves to call him. He didn't have time for things like gestation. He is charismatic and wild. As a baby he was miserable until he was mobile...constant crying, like three hours on end despite so much zantac.

Frequent tantrums and more-than-normal mischeif as a (basically ferrel) toddler. He was so great - just ALL BOY.  This child was always excited, usually either very happy or wildly tantruming. Just insane amounts of energy...  Into everything, totally obstinate, wildly loving.  At three years old I remember him saying "mommy, pray to Jesus for my energy to go away." They say he was suppose to grow out of any preemie issues years ago, but his tantrums continued as he grew. They would last for hours and it didn't seem normal.

I was a young first-time mom so I knew I didn't know much about parenting but still, all the other moms who had boys seemed to have a different situation. Their boys had tantrums not nearly as often and maybe for like a half hour.  And they had half the energy of my son. For his total lack of focus, I wondered how the hell could this child tantrum this long?

I used to be at social functions with my husband and say "You see these other boys? It's like they're all drugged! Seriously, what drugs are they on?" because their energy levels were all nothing like what I was around all day with my son.  All other boys seemed totally mild and I fully admit feeling a sort of an exhausted jealousy at the relaxed lives of these other moms.  The constant useless advice on how to control him was also exhausting. Everyone had a remedy from dietary changes to chiropractic, we have done it all.

I have loved and contended with him now for six years, and he is still the most ridiculously headstrong and enthusiastic person I know.  See that's the great thing about him though.  The thing is, Elijah feels things intensely. He is actually very willing to please, it's just hard for him to have much self-control (at all).  But this kid has the most tender sweetness I've ever seen in a child. A raging extravert, he is also a total party wherever he goes.  He's this brauny and huge-for-his-age kid (despite a 3 pound birthweight).  He reminds me of a school mascot and star-football player rolled into one.

His childhood has been extremely difficult for me. How can I put this kindly - I love my rough tousled boy, but If Elijah is in the mix, wherever I am feels like being in/at the zoo - because he is immediately exhausting.  When I would take him to the gym childcare and to church, I usually heard bad reports, or they'd just plain kick him out for the day. It's been a hard road for me to navigate. I won't even discuss the insane amounts of judgment I've gotten from other adults.

Enter, the school system.

He went to kindergarten last year at a good country school and was always the trouble-maker in the class. "Out of 21 kids in the class, he is the most difficult one" - is exactly what his teacher told me. His younger brother is also trouble, though he doesn't have the insane energy and expert trouble-making skills as his big brother.  He acts like a runner's up though for sure. These two live in a world of fierce competition and friction with each other.

This year it began not two weeks into the school year! There I was in September, already exhausted all the time in the ninth month of my 4th pregnancy and dealing with Hadassah's terrible two's. And I was starting to get the negative reports from the bus driver and the school not just about Elijah but now about his brother too!

I'll give an example: one day The boys' ran down our long dirt driveway, both with paper incident reports flapping in their hands from the bus. These read in a nutshell that no one could find my 5 year old, who was later discovered army-crawling back and forth underneath each seat, while my 6 year old was literally jumping over students from seat to seat. They had each hit or kicked someone.... name-calling, etc.  I was upset about the report but not shocked in the least.  "Most of my time is spent telling them to sit back down or be quiet." The bus driver had written. "They are separated, but continue to taunt each other from across the isles."

"The boys are out of hand, daily" I was told in an email.  They are both good at school-work, but rambunctious and aggressive. So two weeks into the school year, the principle wanted a meeting with Brandon and I, plus the boys' two teachers, oh and a social worker. Yay.

I thought What are we doing wrong? Here they have a loving home, with parents who love each other, healthy home-cooked family meals each night, a big charming country yard, bedtime stories, lots of quality bonding time with their father. We give consistent discipline... physical affection... My college degree is in child psychology for crying out loud! What the hell, man? Why are my boys like this? Why are they the ones who always stick out as difficult? Why???

You can imagine the stress.

I was in prodromal labor for 3 long weeks.  So we kept having to put the meeting off, never knowing if the constant contractions were going to be real labor. Then a few days after the baby was born, Brandon and I hauled our new crew of four in to meet with a slew of disgruntled faculty. I came armed with toys, diapers and snacks and loaded down like a pack-mule.

They wanted to know what could be going on at home since both boys are aggressive toward other children, very hyperactive, and lack focus.  "We're trying to figure out if it's within their control or not." The principle was a gentle kind man who I immediately liked. But it didn't change the fact that I could tell I was among a type of people who would just never understand the type of boys I had.

At one point I faced the boys' two teachers (and present social worker) - who are all female - "No offense but you're all a bunch of women, and you'll never understand certain boys. I get it, I don't relate to these boys either, but I do at least understand who they are.  The school system is much better on girls because it's almost geared more toward a little girl's nature. I feel my boys are being treated like bad girls. But my belief is there's nothing wrong with them. They want to please, they have good hearts, and they're both smart.... they just need way, waaaay more activity. They're bored to tears."

You should have seen one of the teacher's eyes get huge, and then a legit glare right through me.  It must've been insulting to hear.  Sorry, but I needed to stand up for my boys.  All summer long I had them at the YMCA summer day-camp off and on for certain weeks. The days were long, from 9am to 6pm.  However - I received only glowing reports!

Staff actually took me aside to say, "I just want to let you know what a JOY Elijah is to work with. He is always the life of the party, and the most enthusiastic participant in all the games." And why? Because the camp was running them all day long in high activity games.

Well public school is definitely different, and maybe not so conducive to boys who were born wild.
One teacher then replied to me that they do get recess, but these two boys are often the only ones in the room/bus who are the problem.  I said "Well then it's genetic. Brandon was so crazy when he was little that his teachers pressured his mom to put him on Ritalin. As an adult He has to work with his hands and is quite successful doing so."

I myself was tested and diagnosed with ADD as a teen and given medication for it. You're dealing with the product of the two of us... sorry about that. I really am. We'd love to help you any way we can." From there we all made steps towards further dealing with the boys in the future.

The bad behavior didn't stop though. At the principle's request I took them to see our pediatrician for the behavior problems.  Don't think I didn't know what was up. The school wanted my boys medicated. Over my dead body. But I knew I still better play thier game to some degree.

So there I was last week in a room the size of a walk-in-closet with all four kids melting down simultaneously, while the doc and I exchanged sentences by yelling over my very loud brood. I'm here on a formality, yelled I. Then I explained the situation. The school wants my boys diagnosed and medicated. The doctor is actually the dad of a kid who goes to my boy's school, and well-respected by the faculty. I told him what they are like at school, Elijah in particular, and handed him some half-crumpled paper incident reports while I nursed my baby.

A few days later Brandon and I went to the boys' parent/teacher conferences. The teacher leaned forward with interest to hear what the doctor said (social worker by her side). I told them that after much questioning and analyzing of Elijah, The doctor said he is totally fine. You should have seen the social worker's face just fall. "I wouldn't even have him tested." Said the doctor.  "I mean, he'll likely come out with ADHD - many kids will. But that's not his problem... have you thought of a charter school? What he needs is a different environment. See, public school is great for many and most kids. But for a few kids it's the wrong place. Elijah just needs way more physical activity. They both do. And vitamin D. It's probly good that your moving to Florida."

Elijah's teacher did not like hearing this, you can imagine. She told us, "It's just, you'd be surprised by what medication can do. I've seen kids with problem behavior who once they're medicated - it's like they're a totally different kid! They're MUCH better behaved and able to do thier school work."

"I'm sure they are totally different kids." I replied....

"We know he's a lot to handle. I dealt with it all summer long and I deal with it every day. But we love him the way he is. And this is something he will grow out of. I think he will become an amazing adult."

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with my son. He may be a wild boy but he is MY wild boy. And yes, he IS different, I will never deny that. It's like he was born a little warrior, or with extra testosterone or something. I don't know what it is, but I am convinced that his upbringing must be undertaken carefully because he is going to be a powerful force in whatever direction he shoots off to.

If you are a mother of a boy like this, take heart and be strong. Advocate for your son. Don't let anyone scare you and don't let up. You were made to be his mother for a reason. On my bathroom mirror is a note to remind me that I was chosen for this. I hope this post encourages some tired desperate mom to hang in there. I really believe in our wild boys.