slow down my sweet child

Oh my goodness I miss my baby. No, she hasn't gone anywhere. But for the past month, Hadassah has been in her OWN crib in her room. Which I love. Also it sometimes gives me the sads.



Sleeping beauty, in my bed. Which she took over.

After seven months of sleepless cuddles with her.... Nursing, not nursing but being kept awake by her presence and grunts/coos, and more nursing. This went on all night every night. How I loathed it. How I adored it. Oh how it made me yawn during the day. Now I go into my bedroom to go to sleep and see my bed without her.


 

Nobody punched me in the eye. I'm just dead tired. 

Transferring her to the crib when she hit 7 months was a success. We both get more sleep this way, and it broke the night long cluster-feeding cycle. But, now we don't sleep together. I miss her perfect warm little body of sweetness next to me.
 

In her crib. An independent woman.

Already, the milestones of growing up and of time moving on are creeping up on me.

 

"Stuff" and Mortality...and Christmas

I'm sitting by the Christmas tree all lit up - in the dark -waiting for Brandon to come home. Boys are in thier rooms for being naughty, while baby naps soundly. You could hear a pin drop in here.

Rosina, 1950's. Chicago.

My grandma just passed away a few days ago on December 14th, and I've been sort of pondering my own mortality, like we all do when death comes near.  She was a beautiful airline stewardess. A devout catholic raised by nuns in boarding schools, and later had four children (one was my mother Lilly).

Her name was Rosina Cook, and I am her namesake (middle name). I recently gave the same name to my baby daughter as one of her two middle names. I wish we'd known each other better. We did visit every few years but I grew up in Minnesota after my grandparents had already moved to New Mexico for the warm weather.

Man it's nice that the house is dark and silent - and at 5 o'clock! Anyway, I'm looking at the old scars on my right thigh from when I was 15. As I view them I think, One day they will be old. Really old. That seems so strange to picture myself old, because but Everyone was young once.

These legs have carried me so many places since then.... Various high school jobs for 8 bucks an hour. Running track in college. Dropping to my knees in a dorm to cry for my father. In and out of classes. Running again often at midnight down midway in st. Paul. Loooots of shopping. Walking down the isle.
These legs have danced with the vacuum a lot, and cuddled my husband. Waddled during pregnancies. Been numbed in styrups for childbirth. Chased after babies and toddlers amidst thier laughter, and ran around the country-side here.

I have my Grandma's legs to the tee. Last time I saw her two years ago her whole body was so old, but her eyes had that twinkle. She was a stay at home mom like me. not to be too dramatic but, I just can't believe I will get old too!

I look over at the beautiful glow from the frosted glass snowing birds resting on the boughs of our Christmas tree. Ornaments from my childhood, they have holes on the bottom where you set them over a bulb of light on the tree and they glow glow glow. I grew up feasting on their mysterious beauty every Christmas-time. How often I truly enjoyed the tradition of these gentle Christmas keepers - sometimes with my dad too.

I'm looking at them thinking, this very bird might have been the one chosen by him on an "I spy" game. We used to throw out colors and guess which ornament it was.

These are my kids' ornaments now.

We played that Christmas game not far from here, in my parents' home in Lakeville - where a family of seven now resides.

Now it's their childhood home and not mine.
Just like now this world is mine and no longer my grandma's.

We grow and we move on. Things change. Stuff changes hands. We grow older. We die.

And what of all these things? This stuff? I think tonight, I will let my kids play with the snow villages on the shelf I've inherited from my childhood. (Play on the carpeted ground of course).

Because what's all this stuff for if not to just be enjoyed by it's owners in thier time? Even if it does break. Because everything breaks. And so do we. So for now they will play with my snow-village.

*Later edited to say that this activity definitely had me whipping out my trusty glue-gun the next day.

30, I Like You

I like this season of life. I feel like everyone around me is turning 30 or just did or is about too. People are on that second or third kid... Other friends of mine are excited to officially own a home.
A few friends of mine just turned 30 and my husband is going to in a few weeks. And so far I like it because it has a feeling of security... as if things are falling into place more for us, and for and those around us.

We've all gotten smarter, but not too smart. It's like we now know enough to be seasoned and not do as many stupid things (like driving all the way across the country going 100 miles/hr while getting tickets in ever state). Not that my husband and I ever did that at the tender age of 25.  (Don't judge me, it was pre-kids).  The point is - we know better now. We now know enough and yet, none of us feel like we know it all yet.  I enjoy not being a sixty year old been there done that person. Thirty feels nice and so balanced!

Brandon and I can now navigate the world with a little more wisdom and yet, the world is still so mysteriously vast with so much more to be known. I still have yet to leave this country!  I'm glad I'm not 80, and I'm glad I'm not 20.  Basically, I like this spot in age-dom.

We do have three kids in tow under the age of five. And Brandon just started his own business. So it's intense around here. But all that is what I'm talking about. Constant change is flowing. New kid, new job, first house, and we haven't done any of it for very long if you really think about it. Life is way more enjoyable when you've learned a few lessons for sure. But also, way peaceful when finances aren't such a constant problem. I seem to have surfaced from my 20's like I can breathe now.

Thankful Thursday, Vol. 4

Er - Friday? Ok it's totally Friday and not Thursday anymore.. but I'm still doing a Thankful Thursday this week.
I'm thankful I'm not perfect ok?

1.  Country. Life. Yesterday morning I was nursing my baby in bed when the dog barked. The neighbor lady had rolled up our dirt driveway on her lawnmower with her 4 yr old grand-daughter asking to take my boys over to her yard. "My damn workers haven't shown up and we're spose to do beets today. Anyway, here's some onions and there's blueberries in that bag. Go on Jayden give her the bag!" Two pints of fat juicy berries. I love it out here. It's growing on me due to the people. I feel more community out here than I did in Burnsville where I was elbow to elbow with people.

2. The Goodwill. I had a TON of bags to take there on Saturday. Of course they give you a 25% off coupon when you donate so I thought what the heck. Oh my gosh I found surprisingly great stuff. The cutest skirt from target with the tags still on, another dress, shoes, and brand new picture frames in their original packaging.
Finally my living room wall doesn't look so hideous and blank. Been wanting to go buy frames for what I had printed but just hadn't gotten around to it.  Now that pictures of our children are up it doesn't look like we broke in and just squat here. So that's cool.

3. My sweet husband. On Tuesday, he told me he had something for me. He came home with a huge pretty mirror that someone was getting rid of at one of his remodeling jobs. It's sage green and Looks like a window with 6 window panes but it's a mirror. Really opens up our kitchen.
I was changing Hadassah's diaper and said "Oh my gosh I LOVE IT!!!" - and behold, her first humungous belly-laugh. I then said that the exact same way 50 more times. At some point in there she just started looking at me like I'm crazy.

When God Moves...

Ever wonder why God chooses to help us out when He does? 

We had something unexplainable happen two weeks ago. All these bills hit at the same time and a huge $700 unforeseen bill as well that shouldn't have hit us - we weren't gonna be able to get groceries that week. Fridge almost empty and we have three small children. We prayed together for help. We needed money now.

That weekend my husband went and helped his brother remodel his new home. His brother then gave my husband $400. Just cuz - knowing nothing about our problems. It isn't like anyone just suddenly gives us money like that - it was so weird! But def God.

That day we went and got groceries and diapers. When things like this happen, even though we have prior experience with God helping us out, we will look at each other and go "Whoa! Do you think that was God or just coincidence?"

Looking back though (and in my heart) I always know - that was God. But I think we doubt and wonder because it seems so outrageous that such a big God would care about tiny people like us. It's only natural. And also there's the fact that we can't exactly physically see God. There's a lot of wonderment for sure. But can we accept a little mystery? That is definitely a question here.
 Maybe sometimes it's just hard to accept... God did this for me.

I believe that He is willing to just meet us where we're at...since He cares about us. Whenever something epic and totally unexplainable happens like this in my life, I feel like He is trying to get my attention. He wants to show me His love. 

I've spoken with many people on this topic and heard a lot of what if's and how do you know's. So here is some Devil's advocate for you: But I know (insert name) who has it all. They are a non-believer and do not seem to care about others. Yet they have all of the comforts that this life affords. It's not fair. So what about them?

I have had people ask me this one. My response is that I know of people like this too. I know people who seem like they have all the money in the world (relatively) and are totally blessed. People who will go on vacations often to an extremely poor country -  where they never help the suffering while there. This sickens me. Yet they have it all. Yes I myself have thought,  

I try to help anyone I see but we always have money problems. Why is that? How is that fair? 

"life's not fair" won't cut it. There is suffering. We want answers. I think it's okay to ask questions. I think God is big enough for that. Did He not make us with brains? Surely He knew we would at some point look around us and wonder, why. God knows I'm gonna notice that He helped me with groceries but what about that kid over there who just died of cancer....

For whoever wants to know why is life so unfair, I would just ask, how comfortable are you with ambiguity? Do you have to know all the answers to everything all the time? I mean is it a must? Ask yourself if that is even possible, because it's not.
 

I for one do not need every answer all the time. For those totally unanswerable situations, I believe in what I have read in the bible where it says that blessings and curses fall on the good and the bad alike, But I also believe that everyone's day of judgment will come - dead or alive. I may not see all of my rewards here on earth. It's cool with me. I'm not pissed at God for it. The bible also says not to envy the wicked when they prosper and seem to have it all. Like the story of Lazarus and the two rich vs poor men - they have their comfort now - in the here and now. Let them. Things will get real fair in the end. I whole-heartedly believe that.

I am so grateful that God chose to help us out last weekend. Sometimes that doesn't happen. We don't know why now, but one day we will and it will all make sense. Presently, we can only see a piece of the tapestry. Someday all will be revealed. For right now, we must be careful not to become bitter when God does not seem to step in in the times we felt He should.
 
Why did God allow my dad to die when I was 20? This is where humility and realizing our place comes in. My own children don't  always understand why I do what I do. One day they will. But for now, my thinking and reasoning abilities are far more advanced than theirs. For now it's just best that they learn to trust me.

I think sometimes a little perspective can help too. Like asking ourselves "wait, what's the purpose of life even? What am I here for again? Oh yeah - it isn't: to have it all and always receive fairness." Sometimes it's just good to remind ourselves of that. The actual reason is to experience a meaningful love-filled relationship with God, and to show that love to others and help where we can.

Thankful Thursday Vol. 3

1.  My husband just got four potential side jobs to go give estimates for. It could total around $10,000.  We could really use the money. So happy about that!

2.  This is a tough one. My mom's house closes on Saturday. She left last year and sold it from quite a distance away...where she now lives in NM.  I only live 20 min away from it. I was born there. My dad died there. I was also homeschooled for 9 years there so I spent more time inside my house than the average kid. I have some great childhood memories there. Tender toddler times with mommy.  Amazing moments with my sisters. Fireside stories with dad. But I also have some really really hard memories there.  So yeah, part of me is happy that it's going.

 I visited yesterday just for closure. It was wierd and difficult.

Another family will move in there on Saturday, with their kids. Wonder who will get my room...what things they'll fix up...  But it's good.  Yknow, this really motivates me even more to move the hell across the country when we are able. Motivated people!

3.  Our neighbors. A neighbor my mother's age has been so kind to me. I took the kids to her house today a quarter mile down the Ol' dirt road. She talked with me about how it's also hard for her to live in the country. We both are city people, while our husbands love the country because they can have their elbow room out here and the freedoms that come with living outside city limits. It was refreshing!

The Reverse Bucket List. You know you want one.

Everybody has stuff they just have to do. What about the stuff you just know you would never wanna do and yet, everyone else seems to think its awesome? This is your reverse bucket list. (Also known as the poor man's bucket list).

Lack motivation but still wanna feel like you hit some goals? This would be a good place to start. Tell your mom you've got goals.

And maybe check in on your dying day just to make sure you can successfully cross these suckers off, with a sense of pride and accomplishment, knowing that hey - you did right by yourself.

Behold: a list of things I fully intend on never doing. 

1.  Go to New York. New York City to be exact. I've never been. I feel no great urge to visit Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, or the Empire State Building. Broadway? Ok you got me there, but it's not worth it when I just picture lots of concrete, bright flashing lights and way too many people.

2.  Disney World.  Also Disney Land.  Though I could actually see wanting to do this pre-kids. Like when it was just Brandon and me. But now? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

If you have toddlers, you feel me on this... This is a parent's version of hell. (Unless your children are those robotic personality-less types - I've seen them and know they exist!). But let's review the thrills involved for funsies: Hearing your kids have the gimmes during every money-trap, greasy fatty fried food at every turn, lines and more lines for standing around in, losing children, disgusting public bathrooms everywhere, obnoxious life-sized cartoon characters and general sensory overload.  The realization that you spent thousands of dollars for this.

3.  Climb a Mountain. Any mountain.  Hiking in general yes. I just don't need to get to the top.

4.  Anything to do with outer space. I hear they don't have air up there.

5. Sky diving. I don't hate myself. So no, jumping out of an airplane has no appeal. Somehow I just don't have that strong urge to exit an aircraft at 20,000 feet. But check back in March if I still live in this God-forsaken state without a vacation. At that point in the year, I usually don't know who I am anymore.
Oh but para-gliding. LOVE that idea.

6.  Get a tattoo. I have never had any desire to get me some ink. But don't be offended if you're like, covered in tattoos or something. Stay awhile, let's be friends. And know that part of me does respect your long-term commitment to whatever it was that you got branded on you for life.

7.  Go to Vagas.  Slot machines. The indoors. A lack of cool history. Just ew.

8.  Name a star. Hmmmmmmm... cuz that's not a money trap.

9.  Get up before 6:30 every day for two weeks. Or some crap like that. Okay, so at the end of this scenario, I do not look like the winner here. I look... Tired I guess?

10.  Own my business. Sounds like a lotta work to me. And math. Not my forte.

11.  See the pyramids. I'm almost embarrassed to not care about this one. Yet I don't.

12.  Run with the Bulls in Spain. Spain yes, but I feel bad for the poor Bulls (sniff)!

13.  Drive a Ferrari. Don't care.

13.  Attend Burning Man. Nothing about Nevada appeals to me.  A massive party with bands and drugs in the desert? Yay. Not.

I can cross so many of these off my list now, and I feel good about that.

My Bucket List... Just a Few Things I have yet to do...

I was homeschooled up until High school. Which means I was a total bookworm. Our curriculum had the greatest books. Tales of faraway lands with endless adventures... Fiction, non-fiction. It was all there.  These books took place everywhere around the world and described in detail places like Ireland, Egypt, Morocco, Russia.  There were so may places I knew I had to see for myself!

Last year when I went with my husband Up North to our family resort (my parents used to take us there yearly since I was ten days old) I found the cabin journal on the mantel - each cabin on the resort has one. Turns out I had written in this one when I was 16. So did my then 18-year-old sister and yes I definitely called her to make fun of her hilarious teenage musings.

So anyway, while pursuing my over-a-decade-old journal entry, I read that I had wanted to travel pretty much everywhere.

Fast-forward to now.  I have never been out of the country.

I did go to a private college in the big city like I had wanted, then was very sick and pregnant when I had only two classes left. I never finished those classes and defaulted on my loans. Combine that with a failed business venture - the store my husband and I tried to start-up in Minneapolis when we were 25 (it was fun and we had a good run!) - and well, we've got some debt. Only a little. Up to our eyeballs.

But I still have my dreams! And where there's a will there's a way.  Hence, the bucket-list.

1. Move somewhere in the South and live there for awhile. somewhere with dry heat. Nothing humid (go home Miami)  Because I live in Minnesota and we live in Winter Land forever.

I just wanna experience a year where we don't have to wear a parka to get to the mailbox for months and then humid summer comes for 2 seconds in the form of a giant swarming mosquito cloud.


2. Rescue a few dogs. Because deep and wide is my love for dogs. This has been a long-time dream of mine since I was a teen. I still have the articles I had cut out about people who adopted rescue dogs or had non-profit ranches rehabilitating abused ones.

We have another year and a half in our rental agreement here and in the contract we are allowed no other dogs except the lab we already have. but if we buy this place down the road I would love to begin rescuing!


3.  Tour Ireland. I myself am in fact Irish. One-eighth. Mom's Grandfather was an Irish-railroad-worker (now say that fast).

 "If we go to Ireland then we have to go to Scotland" says my husband.

Fine. I just want to get some drinks at an authentic Irish pub and then go spot a selke.


4. Travel to see Corrie Ten Boom's childhood home, the Beje' in Harlem Holland.

Corrie Ten Boom has been my hero since I was 17.  She was a rebel ringleader of the underground Dutch resistance against the Nazis during world war II.  Her raw faith and vulnerable endurance through all hardships was a shining example to me during my own personal trails.

All my kids will definitely read her book "The Hiding Place" one day. I read it 3 times myself.  I have always dreamed of seeing the little house with the add-ons and nonsensical nooks and crannies that she wrote of, and the secret other rooms where she bravely hid Jews when lesser men were afraid to.
Damn she was a badass.


5.  Learn to swing-dance and salsa-dance... um, again (because I knew how at 20 but now somehow don't) - and (gasp) do so with my husband.

 I'm not sure if this is doable while the kids are still small. pretty sure it's not. So yep, looks like we're gonna be those 40-somethings... bustin' a move on the dance-floor with our bad selves.


6. Go on a grand tip to somewhere just with my sister and I.  We work great together. It would be epic.

And of course as always, some kind of natural disaster or native emergency would happen while we are on said vacay. Such is our luck when together.  We know not why. But then we will do our thing of awesomeness and unite to save the world as usual.


7. Laser Hair Removal. Because I am super white, with really really dark hair... Ok ok, TMI? I'll stop
But it bears mentioning that I need that in my life. (Thanks for those stellar French genes mom).


8.  I really wanna go to Africa someday.


9.  Achieve zero debt.

10.  Go back to Angelfire New Mexico and the Enchanted Valley. Cool story, when I was 18 my parent's and I were vacationing in Taos New Mexico and someone on the street gave us discount  coupons to a ski resort up on the mountain. so we went. but it was during a drought with wild fires everywhere. once we we wound our way up the mountain, the wildfires had closed in and was raging 50 miles away in every direction so we were trapped there for 3 days. the resort was on top of the mountain in whats called the enchanted valley - the natives say its enchanted. it was a magical place!

Dairy-Free Cream of Celery Soup (Crockpot)

Mmm-mmmm... soup! The homemade kind, cooked slowly, so all those flavors have time to "marry" as they say on cooking shows.

Happy July 1st! Except I have a summer cold from hell. With all the hacking and sneezing and general gross sickness awefulness, I found myself craving some warm, comforting, creamy... celery? Figured maybe my body needed it.

So, while the boys played outside in the pool and my husband worked on his tan, it definitely felt a little off-season to be cooking up some hot wintry soup. But after this recipe being so yummy and creamy, I can see me wanting to make this all the time six months from now.

I'm not completely dairy-free, but I try not to have much dairy at all when I have a cold - it only seems to stuff me up more. So I made this soup using Almond milk. Try to buy a higher calorie kind so it's creamier. Use bone broth instead of canned and you'll really build that immunity!

Also, I looked it up on the internets, and apparently celery does boost the immune system, being high in vitamin C and anti-inflammatory. Of course, the internet also says that my symptoms indicate I have two days to live, so there's that...

Anyway, for anyone with one of those awful colds here is a warm healthy soup to comfort you.

 What are your go-to foods when you get sick?

Recipe

Ingredients:

3 cups chopped celery

1/2 cup chopped carrots

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 cups chopped cauliflower

3 cups almond milk

1 cup chicken broth

2 Tbs. dairy-free butter or oil

1/4 tsp. xanthum gum

1/4 cup Tapioca starch or whole wheat flour

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. onion powder

pepper to taste

**note: add chicken or ground beef if you need the meat in there. Im just not a huge meat person.

Directions:

Chop the celery, garlic, and carrots and set aside. I do this the day before and keep the veggies in containers in the fridge.
At around ten a.m. I throw them the crock pot with the liquids and butter and set it to low.
Next steam the cauliflower in a saucepan, about 5 - 7 minutes. Drain and set aside.
Mix together the starch, xanthum gum, salt, and onion powder in a small bowl.
Using a food processor, purée the cauliflower. As the mixture spins, open the top and slowly pour in the small bowl of dry mixture until well combined. You can pour in some of the crockpot liquid if this mixture starts to become too thick.
Use a spatula to pour the cauliflower purée into the crockpot. Stir to combine.
Now just let the celery and carrots soften and the flavors combine for about 7 or 8 hours, stirring occasionally.

Thankful Thursdays Vol. 2

Thankful Thursdays  Week 2:

This week, I am thankful for...

1) A two-month old who sleeps well! With three little ones this is a huge blessing. She sleeps about 5 hours straight at night.

2) A garden, finally! Yep, you read that right - it's the end of June... I know. But I also just bad a baby so this hasn't been a banner year for getting crops in. Also I'm not a good gardener. Also I loathe gardening. But I went over to my next door neighbor's farm and she gave me all these plants for free!
Sheila is in her late 60's and tough as nails. She works her fields dawn to dusk and has a heart of gold.  I walked over wearing the baby with my boys following and we chatted while she smoked. This woman amazes me. She sells her truckloads of jams, salsas, handmade crafts and fresh fruits and veggies at the farmer's markets all over the metro area. she had tons of stuff for me: veggies, flowers, herbs, hanging plants, the whole shebang. Got those puppies in over the weekend.

3) My relationship with my little sister. She and I are 7 years apart but you wouldn't know it. We share a similar sense of humor and even look alike. We were raised in a pretty volatile household and always stuck together and looked out for each other - the bond is strong. 

She is the one on the right.

Well my baby sis moved to Colorado 2 years ago at the tender age of 22 and is doing quite well out there. I go for walks in the evenings sometimes on the dirt roads out here and we talk on the phone forever. Dang I miss her! But so thankful for the awesome depth in our relationship.

4) The fact that my husband doesn't have a shot-gun.

Funny story...So last night as I was leaving to go teach piano and telling my hubby what to feed the kids for dinner, I heard what sounded like one of our chickens possibly in distress. I came back inside to tell him he might want to check on them, then I drove away.

When I got home, my husband ran up to me and said "Emily! I have to tell you why I NEED a shotgun now! with your permission of course - There was a turkey on our property! That's what was making all that noise!  We could be eating turkey tomorrow if I had a shotgun. Think about it. "

I asked why he couldn't just shoot it with a regular gun if he has to shoot it, and he said you have to use a shotgun. (I have no clue about guns and don't really care).

Then he posted a video on FB of the alleged turkey walkin around our yard like he owned the place. His coworker commented that it was in fact a guinea hen, but a turkey. Turns out it's actually the neighbor's guinea hen, lost and looking for her brood. So no, in case you are wondering, my husband does not get to have a shotgun. 

Thankful Thursdays Vol. 1

Around here, Thankful Thursday's is something I do for my own benefit. To get myself to take a minute and put a positive spin on life. And just maybe I can spread around some positivity while I'm at it.

This week, I am thankful for:

1) Cloth diapers.
I'm on my third baby but this our first time using them. We bought them for when money is tight. Money is now tight.

2) The new YMCA that opened up. It's actually been here six months but I didn't know about it and thought that the nearest one was a half hour away. We checked it out two days ago. It was glorious!

3) An entire field of peonies! The farmers next to us happen to have these gorgeous red and pink flowers going on for an entire huge field right next to our yard! It's so picturesque with our barn there in sight.

4) A new piano student. So there I was yesterday, breastfeeding openly in our front yard in a chair by the fire pit. Because we live in the middle of no-where so who's gonna see me right? Wrong. An SUV pulls up to my horror and it was not a mirage. My neighbor from a mile down the road came with her ten year old daughter to introduce us and ask if she can start lessons with me next week. "Haha... Hiiiiiiii" with my boob out. Akwaaaard. We start next week.

5) It bears mentioning:  my two yr old just went all half a day wearing big boy underwear and not wetting his pants once.  Then he randomly said "okey-dokey" and I have no idea where he got that. So proud!

Post-partum body, well well... we meet again...

I'm two months out from having my third kid, so I've been down this road before. The squish. The wider hips, flatter butt. Extra poundage on the scale.
I know I know. I am a beautiful goddess that can bear my children and carry life. Real women have curves. More of me to love. I am woman hear me roar. And all that. I wish I felt that way. I really do!

IM gonna be real honest here. I can't stand the fat that I have to lose and seeing my body like this.  All three times after going home from the hospital I look down at me new shape, or lack Therof, like...

I tend to have a bit of a split personality with my body image during my roller coasterish post-partums.

On one one hand my feelings are: I hate this.
After reading other people's posts that praise/ find reasons to like the post partum body, I gotta say - I don't care that it's been home to my sweet new baby for months and that's why it looks that way. That is not a sentimental thing for me. That is just science.

My body isn't just home for the baby, it's my home too. And it's been my home for a few plus decades. And I despise change and having to move to unfamiliar territory. I want my old home back.  Yes, part of my identity is a little wrapped up in what I look like. But really I think being out of your familiar "home" would mess with anyone.

While I was pregnant with this little one recently, I think I thought it would actually be different for me this time because I was on my third baby. Surely since this was my third pregnancy I will have the baby and reach nirvana and my post-partum body image will be totally different this time around.

Not so much. Turns out I still can't stand it.

My male cousin couldn't understand why being in this new and strange version of my normal body was so insecure and awkward to me until I told him,
 

"I feel like I'm living in different skin. If your weight and even your actual bones moved around and shifted noticeably, you'd be mentally/emotionally uncomfortable - as if you were in a foreign body. Now imagine having that happen several times over a short period of years (having children). I'm talking up/down, bones and feet morphing every which-way. Even a guy would get a little insecure".

 

And he nodded his head in sudden understanding.

So don't mind me while I just stand over here in my fat suit and think/scream "get this weight off me! This is not me! I am a strong sinewy gazelle with no semblance of a muffin-top!" In sheer frustration.

Then comes my split personality of a body-image...

Because on the other hand, my feelings are also: Wait, what if I like my post-partum body? I'm not actually fat in any technical way. While I'm not my normally slender self, there is something appealing about this different body.

My legs are more shapely in a pretty way. I have boobs. My butt is all - I don't think you're ready for this jelly. I'm actually proportionate but in a 40's pin-up way. If society weren't so hung-up, I might like me some curve.

Buuuuut I also have a whole wardrobe tailored to my old body. And really, I think I have a right to long for my old body back.

In the end, a wise woman once told me, "you have three bodies really...your regular body, your pregnant body, and your post-partum body. All have valid and healthy reasons for being the way they are, and you need to learn to love and accept each of them."

Working on it. :)

The Pro's and Con's of Having Kids Close Together

I've been asked more than once if I recommend having kids close together or would I have preferred to space them out. Well what's done is done. I will always try to look on the bright side about our kids' spacing though even when I am having a rough day. Some days I am thanking my lucky stars that they are close in age. Other days I am thinking, "was I crazy???" 
My sister has just two kids spaced 5 years apart. the older one can watch the younger, so they get out more often than we do. However, the kids don't really enjoy the same activities (at least for now).
But truthfully there is good and bad, any way you slice it.
I say with love that our firstborn is a total maniac. He is like a wild jungle man that was raised by animals. Even though I am the one raising him....(not really sure how that works but somehow it makes sense).
My point is that if your first is a wild child, maybe do think about spacing them out a bit if you don't have much of a support system.

If you have a great network of family and friends willing to help you out, go for it!

We conceived Skipper 11 months after having Buckwheat. He was born when Buckwheat was 20 months old. We thought a playmate would be good and super fun for them to have each other. It's been a lot of fun, and a ton of work. We do not have family to help us and that I think has made a huge difference on stress level. Because of their personalities, my boys are very intense.

Observe some pictures below to get an ideal of their normal activity level:

My boys are happy and energetic. They are wildly curious and into everything. They fight way too much but this stage is also passing way too fast. That said...

Want the good news first?  Here are some Pro's:

Clothes - It used to be that Buckwheat was this huge 2-year old and Skipper was a small 4 month old baby, and there was a cavernous difference between their sizes. I was saving the older boy's clothes in bags marked by size for the younger one.  Now I kinda like how I can sometimes just throw Buckwheat's outgrown clothes right across the room into Skipper's drawer. As they've gotten older they have become shockingly close in size.

Activities - I don't have to entertain them in two different ways. They're into the same stuff.  Obsessed with the same show ("Blaze"). Able to understand and enjoy the same book that I'm reading them. The alphabet is being learned in our house two at a time. They mow the lawn together with their toy lawn mowers and ride bikes with training wheels up and down the driveway. It's so much fun to see my boys really enjoy each other as peers.

Socialization - I love that my boys have a built-in best friend. Nobody is ever suffers from loneliness around here. They are constantly learning to share and be in relationship.

Food - They eat mostly the same stuff. I don't have to serve up baby purees while giving a toddler mac-an 'cheese. I did at one point, but only for a few months. And if we go out somewhere I can just pack the same snacks to give them.

Potty-training - My 2 and 4 year olds are basically learning the toilet stuff together. and Skipper is doing it way earlier because he wants to be like his big brother. It's double the mess but hey at least I wont be wiping butts for years and years on end.  I'm all for double-time.

Some of the Pro's to having kids close together are also cons....

Not so easy to go out - It's much harder when the hubs and I want a date-night to find someone who is willing to watch 3 small children than it was to find someone when we had just one kid. And back then there was the other option of just being like "hey, can we drop him off while we go out?"

Those days are over. You just can do that with 3. Because that would be like unloading the circus at said friends' doorstep. Now when your kids are watched, it will have to be at your house. And your list of available sitters will have dwindled down to those people who "have it in them" to deal with that kind of kid-volume.

You wanna go to target with 3 kids under 4 by yourself? hahahahaha - No. You will end up regretting it. Only make a target trip as the sole adult if some urgent medication is needed. Its a really stressful event that requires lots of planning. Bring an I-pad for the oldest. Snacks galore. An extra change of clothes for each - stuff always happens.

 Have a plan for when both toddlers run away from you in a different direction. And do wear the baby.

When I was childless, I used to see kids in stores misbehaving and think. "ha! Not mine. It's all about the training and discipline. My future toddlers will be well-behaved because I will have raised and trained them to be." Now I know it just doesn't work like that. Mine are the ones running wildly down the chip isle. It's just the personalities they were given and no amount of "good-raising" can control two years old. 

Noise - It is so loud here. Often I have a screaming baby while two little boys are trying to talk to me simultaneously. It's loud in the car. It's loud in the kitchen. It's loud during meals and baths. It's just loud.

Clothes - I just don't have the time to dress them super cute like I used to. When it was just Buckwheat, I used to have him lookin pretty fly in his cute little outfits. Now rarely does the bottom match the top for both boys and the baby.  

Mountainous Laundry - With the constant changes of clothes from potty-training, infant blow-outs, and just getting dirty... omg is it a lot. sometimes I feel I am drowning in clothing piles.

Trouble - They do this together. And it can be pretty ugly. It wasn't as bad with just one getting into mischief. You may think to yourself, "how can they break a weight-set?" or, " surely they cant dismantle the chandelier". Or, "That thing is on top of the fridge so it's safe. I know that as fact." (I could go on).  But you need to know that when they team up, they will find a way.

In the end. It's what works for your family as far as budget and personality. What do you really want? You might not actually know what you want until you start having children. I personally want more the more I have. Funny how that works.

 



Coconut Sweet Bread (GF, DF)

Sometimes I just crave the taste of warm buttery coconut. In comfort food form. So I created an amazing bread the other day. 
So. Good.
I think I will be making this high fiber / high protein bread very often to eat for breakfast. I can see it becoming a staple around here.

 Made with coconut flour and coconut flakes, it is moist and spongey with the perfect density. The coconut flakes gave it great texture too. Yum!

 

It calls for two Tablespoons of butter, but for dairy-free - Earth Balance works well.
I used sucanat to sweeten it, but if you'd like to use regular sugar, that will work too, the bread will just be a lighter color.  Flax seed gives it more of a caramel color and added texture.

 

Because of the nature of the batter, these would also be amazing as muffins.

Ingredients:
1/4 C.  Garbanzo bean flour
1/4 C.  Spelt flour
1/3 C.  Coconut Flour
2 C.  Coconut Flakes (reduced fat, unsweetened)
1/4 C.  Sucanat
1/4 tsp.  salt
1/2 tsp baking soda

2 Tbs.  Butter
1/3  C.  Truvia Baking Blend Sugar
3 Eggs
1/2 Dairy-free milk of choice (I used almond milk)
1/2 Cup Applesauce
1 tsp.  Coconut  extract
1/2 tsp.  Vanilla Extract

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease your bread pan.
Make two flax eggs, set aside.
In a small bowl, combine the flours, coconut flakes, salt, baking soda, and sucanat.
In a larger bowl, cream together the butter and sugars. Add the flavor extracts and eggs. Then the applesauce and flax eggs. Next add the almond milk and mix well.
Combine the wet and dry ingredients and mix in the bigger bowl.
Pour the batter into the bread pan and spread it around evenly using a spatula. This bread will not really rise at all, at this stage, what you see is kinda what you'll get, due to the coconut flour. So be sure to spread it evenly.
Bake for 34 minutes. Let cool for two hours.

Fave Post-Partum Tonic For Weight-loss and Healing

 

Introducing my latest concoction:

 

You're welcome.

 

This is a drink I have been making myself and throwing back for about a week now. If you just had a baby, read on, because this recipe is a game-changing super-woman drink for you!

Up until this lovely elixir, I hadn't lost a pound in 6 weeks (other than the initial hospital weight loss). So I've been wondering what gives!?

And I'm doing what I know I should... Drinking only water, eating small healthy meals, walking, chasing toddlers, cutting out sugar. But still, Not. One. Pound.
Well at 7 weeks now, I just had my (week late) 6 week checkup - cuz ain't nobody got time for that.

Down a couple pounds! Finally! Weight stall - over.

...Could it be this drink I've been mixing up daily like a mad scientist?

 I haven't changed a thing in my diet or exercise... save adding this drink.

So maybe, maybe not. No scientific studies have been done. But on the chance that it could help some other poor weight-stuck post-partum woman I feel compelled by the laws of sisterhood to share.

This tonic really promotes vigor and well-being in general. I found a ton of info and great studies on the awesomeness of each ingredient, but I will give you the main benefits in a nutshell, and why I think it's been helping me.

lemon Juice
This contains pectin, a soluble fiber that has been shown to aid in weight loss.
It is also anti inflammatory and helps to balance PH levels (for those who care about an alkaline diet).
The anti-cancer component contained in the citrus liminoids isn't a bad side effect either.

Turmeric
Circumin is a property found in this spice that makes it pretty swell. Or, shall I say un-swell, because it's super anti-inflammatory and has antioxidants galore. It's even been proven to improve joint pain and arthritis. This is great news since we post-partum ladies who are fresh from the pregnancy will still have relaxin coursing through us (the hormone that relaxes joints and tissue so we can push out babies), so we can totally use help for our loosely-goosey joints. Oh, and if you find you're still rocking some baby brain you are in luck; turmeric has also been proven to improve memory in Alzheimer's patients.

Apple Cider Vinegar
Studies have shown that when taken during meals, it helps with balancing blood sugar responses. It also increases satiety, which I myself have noticed in this past week.

Coconut Water
This aids in suppressing the appetite, so that giving in to cravings is minimized. It's also going to help you hydrate better than other drinks like popular sports drinks, because it has waaaaay more potassium and waaaaay less sodium. Both good things especially if you are a nursing mamma. A side benefit is better skin for any of you suffering from the post-partum skin blues. Coconut water can help clear up and tone the skin, while providing moisture from within, without having to add oils.

Recipe:

Juice from one lemon
1 & 1/2  Tbsp. Apple Cider vinegar
1 cup Coconut water
1/4 tsp. Turmeric
1 can of La Croix, (flavored sparkling water) - any flavor
A few drops of stevia to taste

Enjoy!

And she's back! Spring is here and so am I.

It's been a long time since I've posted on here. Too long. Months. Okay my whole pregnancy plus the last 5 weeks. I totally owe this blog an explanation since I barely wrote many posts in my brand new baby blog before I got pregnant with a real baby. But yes, for anyone who was reading (anyone?) I do still exist.

It is now May and so much has changed since I last posted back in August.

It was basically a nightmare pregnancy and I stopped posting because let's face it, I was merely just trying to survive through it. But I won't bore you with the pregnancy details.

Just kidding. You're gonna hear it ALL.

I ended up getting severe  Hyperemisis Gravidarum. Hyper-what you ask? Basically the sickness that Princess Kate Middleton gets while preggo. The one where you vomit ten times a day? That's the one. For a few days I couldn't even keep down water. I could not manage my boys at all let alone write in a blog. My one mission became just to make sure they were fed and didn't kill each other. I laid on the couch in helpless isolated misery for weeks, vomiting and going in and out of fevers.  If I had them partially dressed for the day it was a bonus.

The nausea started to lift at around 23 weeks. Ironically, this is when my symptoms for Choleostasis of the the liver began. I developed a pregnancy-induced liver disorder with tormenting itching. Also known as ICP. I was jaundice for a bit and had no energy. And it was like things were under my skin. The worst of it happens at night, y'know, so you don't get to sleep before having to wake up with quarreling toddlers. I scraped myself with metal objects just to get to that horrible itch. I had open sores on my palms and my feet. I am so grateful for my beautiful baby. But I am so, SO glad that pregnancy is over.  There I am below, about a week before I gave birth..... so over being pregnant.

37 weeks

So there you go, my horrific pregnancy in a nut-shell! Oddly, I still want maybe one more baby. But way, way down the road. Maybe in 5 years. To be continued on that one.

What else is new with our family?

For starters, we did not move to Texas. Instead, when I was 3 months pregnant we found a really good deal on a house in the country that had 1.5 acres and 3 outbuildings (barn, extra garage, and chicken coop). Since our townhouse lease was up in October and we were expecting another child, we decided it was time for more room. And somewhere for our boys to run around freely like the little wild Amazon men they truly are.


Here it is, the day we got it.  Finally some elbow room! Living in 900 square feet was getting cramped.















The boys can do "country" things now like play under the neighbor's tractor across the dirt road. Formerly, tractors only existed on TV and in books, so the boys are pretty much in heaven these days.  My husband bought six chickens a week after I gave birth. We don't know anything about raising chickens, or living in the country for that matter, so we are winging it (excuse the pun) and thanking God for you-tube tutorials.

 
 
 

 

 To add to our country move, I started teaching piano at a music shop and now have 6 students. We do still want to go to Texas (for a number of reasons) one day, but for now we are here.

And the biggest news of course is that I had my baby! She was born April 7th at 2:16 pm and is absolute sweet baby perfection!