I know I know. I am a beautiful goddess that can bear my children and carry life. Real women have curves. More of me to love. I am woman hear me roar. And all that. I wish I felt that way. I really do!
IM gonna be real honest here. I can't stand the fat that I have to lose and seeing my body like this. All three times after going home from the hospital I look down at me new shape, or lack Therof, like...
I tend to have a bit of a split personality with my body image during my roller coasterish post-partums.
On one one hand my feelings are: I hate this.
After reading other people's posts that praise/ find reasons to like the post partum body, I gotta say - I don't care that it's been home to my sweet new baby for months and that's why it looks that way. That is not a sentimental thing for me. That is just science.
My body isn't just home for the baby, it's my home too. And it's been my home for a few plus decades. And I despise change and having to move to unfamiliar territory. I want my old home back. Yes, part of my identity is a little wrapped up in what I look like. But really I think being out of your familiar "home" would mess with anyone.
While I was pregnant with this little one recently, I think I thought it would actually be different for me this time because I was on my third baby. Surely since this was my third pregnancy I will have the baby and reach nirvana and my post-partum body image will be totally different this time around.
Not so much. Turns out I still can't stand it.
My male cousin couldn't understand why being in this new and strange version of my normal body was so insecure and awkward to me until I told him,
"I feel like I'm living in different skin. If your weight and even your actual bones moved around and shifted noticeably, you'd be mentally/emotionally uncomfortable - as if you were in a foreign body. Now imagine having that happen several times over a short period of years (having children). I'm talking up/down, bones and feet morphing every which-way. Even a guy would get a little insecure".
So don't mind me while I just stand over here in my fat suit and think/scream "get this weight off me! This is not me! I am a strong sinewy gazelle with no semblance of a muffin-top!" In sheer frustration.
Then comes my split personality of a body-image...
Because on the other hand, my feelings are also: Wait, what if I like my post-partum body? I'm not actually fat in any technical way. While I'm not my normally slender self, there is something appealing about this different body.
My legs are more shapely in a pretty way. I have boobs. My butt is all - I don't think you're ready for this jelly. I'm actually proportionate but in a 40's pin-up way. If society weren't so hung-up, I might like me some curve.
Buuuuut I also have a whole wardrobe tailored to my old body. And really, I think I have a right to long for my old body back.
In the end, a wise woman once told me, "you have three bodies really...your regular body, your pregnant body, and your post-partum body. All have valid and healthy reasons for being the way they are, and you need to learn to love and accept each of them."
Working on it. :)
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