When we first got here we were really under the impression that business would be awesome. Brandon did line up a few jobs right off the bat that were pretty great. Then things so down. At some point though they just stopped. He was still giving out estimates but no work was coming in and no one was signing up for some reason. I am proud of my husband because he really got creative about lots of different ways to bring in business and advertise. Something that was really difficult was the waiting game and the anxiety of that. Every week I felt terrible about spending any money on groceries that we need it. The stress just mounted as the work did not come in but the bills of course were always right on time. And with 4 children opening their mouths and running around like little puppies, the stress of being in a biggish family while waiting for money to come in sometimes felt like more than I could bear.
Now finally, my husband has a few jobs lined up but during that time of months without work it felt like I was living in a dark tunnel yet I had a constant low grade panic under my skin. Every afternoon as I rocked the baby to sleep while nursing her I would pray to God for money to come in and work for my husband but week after week nothing was happening and I started to feel like why does God not hear me? Pretty soon the tears were at the ready constantly, and everyday I was crying at some point over something like spilled milk. It was like living in a pressure cooker.
And it's crazy how much judgment comes from others when you aren't doing well.
During this time the few people I shared this with thought we were irresponsible, without knowing the details. Details like how Brandon dropped a huge marble countertop, the price of which had to come out of our own funds. The wait for a new slab of marble delayed the next job. Then there was a shooting in the family of the other job we had lined up and they wanted to cancel and get thier downpayment back, etc. I felt judged, misunderstood and alone.
But I used this time to grow closer to the lord.
This was actually a huge growth spurt. On our tenth anniversary, we didnt have gifts for each other. Who could have seen that coming? When a year before we were doing very well.
This was one of the most difficult and intense life experiences I've been through; I will never forget it. What did we learn from it? On Brandon's end, he told me he learned that sometimes you can try breaking your fist against a brick wall and it will crumble for you. Other times there is nothing you can do to break it down, until the heavens part.
For myself, I learned to stay close to God, and that there is no wrong way to do that. He never leaves. You can thank him or beg him and neither is the wrong way. Forget doctrine. In the end, HE IS. For some time I wondered if we were maybe being punished. But I had to realize that in life, everyone will have trials. I am not special in this.
But God will still go with me through the fire. Though waters storm and I am scared out of my mind, He is in the boat and He is still in control. A couple people actually reached out to us and blessed us during this time. It was really cool to see. More valuable than the actual money in fact, was just to see there are people who totally love us even if we are a thousand miles away and penniless. I was extremely humbled and touched.
One final thought... I learned about judging. We were so harshly judged. It cut deeply. Judged by people who made assumptions without all the facts. How did this make me think differently? It made me regret every time I've judged someone. Like I really really grasped the flaw in a critical eye. Isn't that really why God told us not to judge? You truly can never know all the facts because you are not all-knowing and all seeing. Only God is. Which is why only he is fit to judge.
I think people judge when someone is going through a hard time because they want to make sense of it and assure themselves that it will never happen to them. If it's the fault of that person then you can control it and make sure it doesn't happen to you, right? The truth is, no! Life is actually scarier than that. We are not as much in control of things as we think we are. Storms came upon Job and he was a righteous man.
So now things are better, and I am thankful that at least I learned a few things and Hey - it didn't kill me right? The gold here is in not growing bitter, but growing in understanding. Remaining in love and forgiveness, and never forgetting to be gentle with each other.
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