When my husband and I met online, my profile under "hobbies" went something like "painting, playing piano, running, hiking, getting coffee with my girlfriends, beading, visiting art museums", etc. I loved doing all of that. Those are things I did in my time off, often on the living room floor when I wasn't raking in $10 an hour at my humble job.
Nine years later I stay home with my 4 kids under 7. So you can imagine my day (and night). My role is the nurturing caretaker who is forever multi-tasking and meeting needs.
Constantly pulled in every direction. Its heavy lifting, its catch the juice before it falls. Its nursing the baby while giving orders. Sometimes theres no time to think. Any alone time is used to clean my body. Or to catch up on sleep.
I recently realized something- I love it.
Up until not too long ago, I'd periodically complain to my husband that I felt like I'd disappeared into the children. I used to go to concerts and go dancing, I used to play the piano for 2 hours at a time uninterrupted" I've actually shouted that in frustration. Probably because I have a lifestyle of being totally overwhelmed.
My kids are so intense... the sensory overload from the day just leaves me too exhausted at the day's end to partake in any hobbies after they're in bed.
But amidst the feelings of frustration and being Over whelmed, there are also many moments of joy that I have gotten throughout the years in mothering each child. I feel joy every time I nurse a baby to sleep.
Teaching a child how to forgive. It's priceless to see the joy and wonder in my children around Christmas time. I could go on about the things I love about being a mother.
I had to read an old journal entry from 2 years ago to realize that I am in the right place at the right time doing what I was born to do and I love it. But the world makes us feel like we have lost ourselves if we don't do the things we used to do when we were 24.
24 was great, and I'll never be 24 again. Onward! I've never been 34 so that's something, right? That is something new I get to do and who knows what's in store for me then.
Know your role, and know the season. For a time it's OK to completely pour yourself out and serve your children and it's OK to feel happy doing it. And not in the way of a sad martyr but happily. Just because it's hard doesnt mean its tragic, or too much. If you're staying at home right now with your littles, this season is extremely intense and demanding. Those feelings are valid, but not necessarily a bad thing, for a time.
My kids sure aren't my peace, but they are my joy.
In this season, that is. Though there may come a day where I find much peace in being with them, as well as the joy they bring. One day they'll be adults and our relationship will be different - my whole day and exhaustion level will be different.
To whoever is reading this, know that you did not lose yourself just because you aren't spending 3 hours painting on the weekends like you used to. You didn't lose yourself because you are constantly changing. Think about how we are mostly made up of water, which changes constantly. Stagnant water is gross and it makes people sick.
Ask yourself, do you really want to hold on to old things? God has new things in store for us. God has new beginnings for us and fresh starts. Remember not to look back because you are not going in that direction anyways.
I'll never get these moments back with them. When I have the time and energy to paint unhindered once more, it will be because we are beyond the years of sticky little hands all up in my business. For now though the season is kids.
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