How to go Blonde With Black Hair (With Minimal Feelings of Trauma) What to do. What not to do.

   It's been a weird week. Dyed my black hair blonde. Gave cash to a heroin addict (which I swore I'd never do) - long story. Dined and dashed for the 1st time - another story there. Put Buckwheat in a Montessori preschool (preschool is also something I wasn't going to do) and my husband and I both got new jobs. Oh and we took down Skipper's crib since he's such a big boy who needs a big boy bed now (sniff) - almost two!       
   Man, who am I lately???
   You may look at that picture of me with orange hair and say to yourself "dang! Someone lost a bet." You would be right. I did lose a bet. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, bet your hair. Ever.
   Funny story though (kinda). It involved some wine, some kids napping, and an epic card game between me and my husband.
   I really thought I had that hand.
   Now, instead of my husband being forced to go to many pilates classes with me so I can laugh at his down-dog support his fitness endeavors, I am undergoing what feels like some sort of extreme hair surgery.
You never know how much of your identity is wrapped up in something as silly as a hair color till you change it in a big way. I wanna cry a little just thinking about my dark hair that is gone now. I have never had any desire to be blonde so this was hard to go through with! And just to let all the blondies out there know, I don't think any hair-color is better than the other - and I have some gorgeous natural blonde friends - but honestly I really think people look best with their natural color or maybe one or two shades away from it. It sure is cheapest that way. ;) Also things may not always go as planned.
For instance, this is what I wanted to happen:

 

Buuuut this is what I feel like instead.

 

   I've meandered past our living room mirror a few times only to glance some strange-haired-person's reflection out of the corner of my eye and freak out like I suddenly know jujitsu (I'm actually really impressed with my reflexes). I've also freaked out my toddler in the dead of night when one of them was crying - the crying turned to bewildered half-asleep shock because at that time my hair was a glowing orange.
   Anyway though, all my life my hair has naturally been some shade of dark brown or black depending on the season. I get it from my dark-skinned black-haired French mamma.

So first off, *a warning and disclaimer*:
I am taking no responsibility for what happens to anyone's hair if they botch some hair after reading this. I am not a professional, and these are just my personal opinions. You need to know that if your hair is this dark of color naturally (like mine) and for some odd reason you have a sudden desire to go completely blonde, well, you are in for a lot of work. Sorry for the bad news but if you are like me and one of those people who hates sitting still and getting your hair done - girl - step away from the bleach.

Here is my natural hair color:


Winter Vacation 2014

And here is my hair in the summer, when it's on the browner side.



Summer 2013. That piece by my face is a highlight.

 

    First we got two (since my hair is long) boxes of bleach. This was my first mistake. I thought I'd "help" out the hairstylists by getting it half-way there first. Also way cheaper than getting it done twice at a salon right? Not really.
    What we did wrong again was start on the ends, and not comb it through while we were working. Other than that we just followed the box's directions. 
You need to always comb through because my hair turned out very orange on the top and lighter on the bottom, while also having horizontal strips of different shades in the middle like Saturn's rings.
    Next what we did right was not go to a cheap salon like Fantastic Sam's or Great Clips (I have gone to both a b-jillion times and it never turns out right).  They are fine for basic things yes, but looking at my multi-ringed orange hair, this was not to be fooled around with.
   On to the Salon! When I remember my entrance I feel like it happened in slow motion. I walked in like a sheep to the slaughter and as I made my way to waiting area I felt pretty much every head turn and stare at me like a failed science project. Totally not offensive though - it was pretty darn bright after all.
    Once seated in a chair in the back, I had about 5 hair-dressers around me (they kept calling each other over) as they discussed a plan of action. I asked "why can't you just cover it with bleach and leave it for a really long time? The dare was to go bleach blonde." They were almost offended. One woman muttered something about me being a "hair civilian", as they tried to explain to me in child-like format that different hair follicles will respond differently because everyone's hair is unique and special, and they didn't know exactly what that could do to my specific color. It could mean strawberry blonde, or ashy but either way it would be extremely damaged. I rather liked the snob factor - it was just further proof that these master's of color knew their stuff. I asked "is there some waiver I can sign so you can do something extreme so I don't have to come in twice?" Seriously, rounding up a sitter was tough! and I did not want to come back for more sitting.  A few eyes rolled, but some were like "no, wait, she should probably do that."



    They concluded that the only right thing to do was to fine-comb a ton of highlights, then lowlight the rest in-between the foils, so as to get those color-blotched-rings out.

    Observe:



Everything not in a foil was low-lighted.

The hairstylist told me she had never put in so many foils in over twenty years. It took over four hours of mind-numbing sitting.
Here was the finished product:

Of course in order to keep my street cred in tact, I still have to go lighter or my word will mean nothing forever!
And yet, I just cant handle sitting still for it. Will I go lighter? Time will tell. Either way I'm for sure dying it back in a matter of months. I mean lets face it - I am and always will be a brunette.